Welcome to the real world…. sucka!

My actual date of departure for DC is the 27th, but from the 23rd to the 26th, I’ll be training and lesson planing with the team that will be going with me on this trip. I’m really starting to get nervous. Not so much about the task at hand, but more about not being here. I think the teaching part will be the least of my worries.

My mom has decided to mention whenever she can that I’ll be leaving for a month. I feel every sentence she can she’ll add the phrase, “You’ll be gone for a month.” For example…

“We have to do the laundry because you’ll be gone for a month.”
“You need to make spaghetti because you’ll be gone for a month.”
“We need to go look at microwaves because you’ll be gone for a month.”

I know that I’ll be gone for a month, I’ll actually be gone for longer than a month… six weeks if she’s really doing the math. As worried as I am that the two students/parental units living here are going to cause a muck in this household, because of all those reasons I feel that more than ever I need these 6 weeks in DC.

I didn’t realize just how much of the household I took care of until I made plans to leave. In addition to my own crap, I do manage to keep this household afloat despite all of our busy schedules. My Step-Dad of all people even said, “I hope nothing happens to the computer while you’re gone.” Not only am I super assistant to my mother, I’m the IT girl and the cleaning lady. I do this all with no questions asked and nothing expected in return because for all that my mom has done for me, I’ll gladly give back.

That’s besides the point though.

There’s being grateful and then there’s being taken advantage of. Even in our conversations, my mom knows that she’s able to make me feel guilty about certain things and that she can convince me to do things I may not necessarily want to do right away. Sure, I can be the breadwinner, I can help her out financially, I can make sure laundry is done and house is clean, but if her motives are done callously, and she’s acting this way to get a response out of me then I’d rather not do it all.

Which is why I’m flying across the country to get the heck out of dodge.

I could blame this all on her. Say that she’s unfair for making me feel guilty or she’s uncalled for in her motives to make me help her out as much as I do, but as much as she pushes her neediness on me, I am equally guilty of being needy. I take on the role of helpfulness with all my friends and family and most of the time I gladly oblige, but the one person I should oblige for with no questions ask, is the one person who takes advantage of my generosity.

Anyhow… I just have to get everything together. Plug in all the appropriate numbers into her cell and on the fridge. Check in as often as I can, and just reassure her that everything will be all good for both of us.

I am so ready to end this school year.

For some reason, I don’t remember the end of the school year being so anti-climatic. I actually remember wanting to see my teachers and it being like one last hurrah before summer vacation came. Now that I’m at the teacher end of it all, I’m really quite sad to be so excited about the end of the school year. I’m pretty sure it has to do with DC and not being here this summer, but I’m really ready to just peace the eff out of this piece (sorry… the ghetto talk is coming out that’s how ready I am for the school year to be over). I’m so over it.

As the school year comes to an end, I have to say that there was a tremendous amount of growing on my end. I’m slowing becoming the teacher that I want to be. I’m honing in on my craft and I’m trying to find the best ways to deliver the content to my students. I’m mastering the art of discipline. Although I lost my cool a lot first semester, this semester, my yelling voice only came out when students absolutely did something foul (which was a rarity). I’m really lucky that my students aren’t horrible, but at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m asking for much behavior wise (which is why I get so upset when they actually do act out of hand). I keep having to remind myself that they’re teenagers. I was a pain to my own World History teacher when I was a sophomore and each day that I’m reminded that this is payback form higher beings for being such a brat to him. Overall though, my classes are a dream. It really could have been worse.

I don’t feel like I’m in a rut, but I do feel a little defeated by the elective class I had to teach this year. It did not quite work out the way I wanted it to. I didn’t feel as supported as I could have been, which I wish I spoke up about. A lot of it was just playing it by ear, and I have to admit that in the last couple days of the year I’ve ended the year with them on a sour note. I wish I could have done more, but it truly is hard to make mountains out of molehills. I can’t make my small and limited knowledge in the elective class (that the district won’t even send me to training for anymore!) and resources be this big production at the end. I hope that I get some ideas over the summer how to revamp and improve the program next year. Even though my gut tells me to say no to the elective class next year, I know I have to try again.

My soul needs this summer. More than it’s ever needed anything before. I can’t even elaborate further on how excited I am to not be around this summer. I’m nervous about a lot of things, for one thing I’m really apprehensive about leaving my parents at home without my supervision. I wonder what type of battlefield I’ll be coming back to. On that same note, I’m worried about my friends and other family members. I’m so used to being around and feeling needed that if I leave, I wonder if that will still be my place when I come back? Will a month be enough time to get adjusted without their favorite superheroine? It’s such a silly thing to worry about, but what if no one misses me? That’s just my little kid insecurities coming out.

It’s been a really long time since I’ve focused on myself without the worries of others in the back of my head. I wonder how this works? What am I capable of if I stop worrying about others and start focusing on myself?

All this reality television crap is going to rot my brain.

Last night for one more tweet before bed, I was following the twitter trends, and everyone was all over the whole Jon and Kate plus 8 thing. Everyone mentioned how hard it was to watch and how they feel sorry for the kids, but interestingly enough… a lot of the tweets mentioned that they felt sorry for Kate.

I don’t feel sorry for that bitch. Seriously.

First off… if you’ve been a long time watcher, you know that she’s a bitch. Plain and simple. She has a horrible attitude and she’s just a mess to be around. You don’t need fake television to realize that. She’s a monster. I think the last two seasons kind of showed that more and more. With all the recent media coming out about them, I think it’s just solidifying the opinion most of America already had about her. I can’t imagine even trying to work on the show or even deal with her on a regular basis.

And although I value the vows of marriage can you really blame Jon for (potentially) cheating on her?

Anyhow… I guess the reason why this bothers me is because it’s a stupid thing to be concerned about. TLC is doing their job and making sure people are talking about their show constantly. (Negative press is still press right?) Everyone is getting what they want from this situation (aside from maybe Jon and the kids) and well seriously even if their marriage is to shits and they’re going to get divorced, they make $75,000 an episode plus speaking engagements and all the other endorsement crap. AND MY GOSH… all the free stuff they get! I really don’t feel sorry for the adults.

I do however feel sorry for the kids. I’m hoping that the Gosselins don’t turn into child actors that just do crazy things when they grow up. Growing up with all that unusual attention will probably do bad things to your psyche. Top that with a crazy bitch of a mom and what kind of future will you actually have? I hate walking through a mall thinking I’ll run into my students let alone having all these people notice you and want to take your picture. It has to be doing really bad things to the kids and sadly the parents don’t even care.

I do wish that if Jon really didn’t want to do the show anymore (end of season four) he made more of a stance. Sadly, I’m sure he didn’t because he benefits from all this publicity also (even though he says he hates it). I wish TLC wouldn’t use families as their cash cows and I wish America didn’t care about a family that is falling apart before our eyes.

Which is why I’m glad for a television ban this summer.

The five weeks I’ll be gone for DC, I’ll be away from a television and all the stupid crap that rots my brain. Interestingly enough, I’m really glad this whole disgust with TV ordeal happened because my horoscope kind of eluded to distractions are preventing me from greatness. It sounded a little more like this…

You have probably noticed that you have a tendency to use up a lot of your energy just maintaining the status quo and staying concentrated on your work or in your relationships with your family. However, for you the only way to personal fulfillment is to be perceptive about things and more mentally active. NICOLE, you need to get this situation back under control, and see exactly what is preventing you from being as active as you would like to be.

I never thought television would be the culprit, but I’m not surprised at all. All this potential creative productivity wasted away on a family that I’ll never meet and plastic people that aren’t even really friends. Even my superficial obsession with makeup and makeup tutorials have more meaning than wasting time watching TV shows that suck. I’m ready to walk away from the DV-R and fill my brain with more meaningful things like literature or more writing.

I hope that others will follow suit. Don’t get me wrong. There is a WHOLE LOT of AWESOME television out there. I’m not knocking TV all together, but I’m just hoping that this reality television craze isn’t as permanent as it feels. We could sure use another Cosby Show or something at this point don’t you think?

Once upon a few months ago, I was undelighted by the news that I’d be laid off. It was sucky, I was emo and all these crazy options went through my head. As things started to settle, I realized that I really just have to play this by ear and do what I’m supposed to do. Stars will align and I will be thankful that I’m good at what I do and will be good at doing it wherever I may be next year.

Until today.

Late for work (I haven’t been sleeping when I should!) I pulled in as my Principal was pulling out. He was signaling security to wave me down. I was already late and had no time to chitchat and block the parking lot. Instead I parked and ran over to his car. He asked me if anyone at the district notified me about my job and I replied no. He smiled and told me that they’re going to rescind my pink slip and I’ll be back on staff next school year. I was relieved and I was glad and it really did make my day.

As far as Mondays go it was pretty much your average day. Craziness ensued like always and half asleep I managed to wake up long enough to run a couple games of Cold War Jeopardy and lecture two classes on the importance of time management. I’m really happy, but did not mention anything to the students just yet because I didn’t want to say anything until there was documentation in my hands that it was legit. Even though I know I’m okay (for now) I’m still not going to be at ease until documentation is in my hands, but for now… we breathe.

The least of my worries is over and I have 43 days until I’m off on a plane to do what I love to do on a daily basis in another part of the country. At least I know that I won’t have job stress to worry about when I get back and hopefully, something spectacular will happen to California budget wise so other teachers don’t have to go through what I’ve been through these past few months.

Before everything was complicated and interfered with by onlookers. My parents were very happy together. My only evidence and documentation is photographs and accounts of other people, but I know that we were all happy together. I loved my Pops and I equally loved my Moms. They loved each other and they loved me too. My parent’s separation is something I don’t really acknowledge or feel affected by just because I’ve always been fortunate to have an extended network of family to take care of me and love me like their own. If you’ve never believed in the old saying that it takes a village to help a child grow, spend a day with me and I’ll show you that it’s true.

On this day of celebration for mothers, I took Moms out for some of her favorite Chinese food and some window shopping for a laptop. Despite my devotion and love to my Moms for everything that she’s done for me, we don’t quite have that adult friend like relationship that daughters usually have with their mothers. Sometimes it’s really hard to try and make the conversation flow because I often don’t know what to say. I rarely divulge information about my own life, but she willing chitchats and equally enjoys the silence.

On the way over to Costco, I asked her how my Pops was. It’s funny because if there’s anyone that should have a relationship with him it should be me, but instead the two of the find solace in their lives by this weird friendship that they have with each other. I always wonder how my mom feels about him now. Though the two would probably never get back together, it’s weird how despite the good and the bad and well… his dropping of the ball as a dad with me, they seem to still care about each other after all these years.

My Pops is not in the best of health. Something I rarely choose to talk about or acknowledge. Sadly for me I think it’s out of sight, out of mind, but I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately, just because. I asked her if he was okay and she was venting out of frustration of his refusal for medical treatment and stubbornness to listen to her. She yelled and told me she told him to do whatever he wanted, die for all she cared and fumed a bit before I chimed in.

“You care… that’s why you’re upset.”

She gave me a weird look and agreed, and out of awkwardness of my observation we moved on to another topic.

It’s such a weird set up, but I’m grateful that they have each other, without pressuring me to have this fake relationship with him. I think in some ways my Pops knows that he dropped the ball, he made mistakes and despite his lack of presence in my life I came out okay. My Moms also realizes that in ways she dodged a bullet by not ending up with my Pops. That perhaps that handsome young mechanic she met on the 101 freeway that faithful night wasn’t as handsome and dapper as she remembered. After my observation of her feelings and the silence to react to what I had just said she then continued on to tell me that despite the hardships she’s had to endure these last couple years she’s quite happy alone and doing her own thing.

So that’s where I get it from.

When I think of my parents and the relationship they have, I can’t help but be reminded of my own relationship with the former b0o. Years have passed, frustrations have been vented and after all that has been said and done, I can walk away from it knowing that I will always love this boy… no matter what. My parents show me that it’s possible to love someone without being in love with someone. I know that the majority of the bond my parents have is because of me, but the two of them together is such a show. They were pretty good together, but they’re so much better apart. And even after all these years they still care for each other enough to frustrate the hell out of each other because they care so much.

As for me and my ex… I’d like to say the same. Despite our decision to go a route that normally lovers go, when it gets down to it, I don’t need a relationship with him to know that I love him and he loves me. I’ve always known this, but walking away from it has always been premature. It’s always been an effort that I’ve forced myself to go through because of outside opinion and never my own gut. I’ve always done it because others were saying that I should and it never felt right. It’s always been a task to get over him when I wasn’t really ready to do that. This time around the direction has changed and I can feel good knowing I’ve made the decision on my own to let this go… and be okay knowing that he’s always going to have a piece of me and that when I’m ready we’ll still be good friends and still be a part of each others lives (in a non-romantic way of course).

I guess it’s so easy to do because it’s the only definition of love I’ve ever known. Although love will be defined differently when someone new comes along, for now I’m content knowing we’ve shared this massive companionship for the last couple years and I’m ready to share something completely different and special with someone else.

Despite my exciting love life the last couple weeks (heh heh…) I’ve actually had a lot of other things going on. Work is slowly rapping up and in a few weeks I should find out if they’re going to rehire me for the upcoming school year.

Two weeks ago, I attended my pink slip hearing, which is the hearing you go to, to see why you’ve been pink slipped and if there is anything you need to do to state your case otherwise about why you’ve been chosen over other people. Although I felt it was a good thing to attend it is a very stressful and unsettling event. I’ve said this may times before, but I don’t feel that it’s right to say that you’re more valuable than another teacher because we all do quality work regardless what type of thing we are teaching.

In my particular situation, I feel good. There’s a slighter bigger chance that I’ll be back next year, but it’s still a bit unsettling. The judge is currently reviewing all the evidence and she’s going to make her decision around May 15th-ish. It was nerve racking, but again it was nice to know that I’m a bit safer than some. One of the assistant superintendents came up to me in the bathroom, apologized for us meeting in this capacity and she smiled and told me to hang in there and that she heard I was doing a wonderful job. I was shocked that a board member actually knew who I was and was acknowledging my hard work. It put me at little at ease even though this could easily sway the other way. I just have to stay hopeful!

Sparingly, I’ve been looking at job openings. I wanted to jump the gun with and start applying, but I think I’m just going to wait and see. That’s all I really have to do. I can’t really be paranoid about everything and a lot of my ease about the job situation is because I’ll be working this summer =D

Not quite sure if I mentioned this, but I’ll be leaving at the end of next month for Washington DC! A friend of mine reffered me to be a summer instructor for a popular outreach program for first generation college students. I AM SUPER EXCITED! I don’t love DC (I hate the weather! haha…), but I like it enough to be there for the summer (especially since Angela is there too!) I know that DC in the summer is super duper hot, but I think it’ll be enjoyable. I will be working a lot more than my regular school year, which is a little bit of a downside, but at the same time a lot of my expenses are covered. Room and board is taken care of and so are meals. I’ll be living in Georgetown right at the university so that alone is an awesome opportunity in itself. I’m mostly excited about being able to save all that money and make money at the same time. I know that sounds horrible, but last summer was not a good look. Even though it’s at the tail end of my second year of teaching, I’m still getting used to the savings plan. I’m working on it! =)

Another cool part about all this is the fact that I’m switching it up a bit as far as teaching is concerned. I’m dealing with a different type of student and I’m going to be working with a staff that teaches at other places. It’s going to be a tremendous learning experience. I think it’s really easy to stay in a teaching rut because you’re dealing with the same students all the time, but switching it up over the summer revitalizes you a bit. My co-worker used to teach the same program over the summer locally and he said that it was really refreshing to do so because it was a break from the students you encounter all the time. This theory may be specific to this particular program, but seriously… if I wasn’t working, I’d be bored out of my mind at home.

Because of all this, I’m hoping I can up the fitness plan the next couple months. I know another wah wah wha fitness post, but because of the set up of my summer program (with the walking, the set meals and just all the activities we’ll be doing) I think it’ll be a great opportunity to get fit. Because of that, I know that I should try to jump start it in the two months before I get there.

I was distracted in April… but May I’m in the zone. I can feel it. I think it’s gonna be an awesome month, at least I hope so =)

I’ve loved this boy… forever. More than I’d like to admit. Walking away from him wasn’t easy and even though these last couple weeks I’ve relapsed, I realized that my decision to walk away was better for me and better for my future. It’s hard to love someone, that you know loves you back, but just isn’t what you want and need from someone. I don’t really get it myself. How can you love someone, but know it’s wrong and not want to be with them? It’s a huge contradiction, and it’s never going to be the ideal situation.

I’ve hoped and prayed for some type of clarity in this situation. The only clarity that I can actually get is when I’m not with him. When we don’t talk and when we don’t weave each other into our lives. I KNOW that there’s no excuse for the bad decisions, the gut going urges and just unreasonable thinking that I’ve done when it comes to him, but something inside of me will always love this boy. Something inside of him will always love me. I know that he wishes he was different himself, so that we could possibly make something of all this, but I’ve stopped waiting for that, even though he tells me he thinks about it still.

I deserve more. I can’t sell myself short and the more I think and talk about this, the more my mind is skewed. I’ve cried my eyes out. I’ve made him feel horrible for making me feel this way. I’ve done every single thing, over and over again and I don’t want to be a broken record. I don’t think he wants me to be either.

Last weekend, we relapsed. I knew it was a risky decision. I knew that if I didn’t come out with clarity and on top of my emotions I wouldn’t hear the end of it from friends. I wasn’t doing this to prove to them I was over him. I was doing this because I missed him and I wanted to know if it was over for me. I wanted to know if I finally let go of the hope and truly let myself be free of the feelings I’ve always had for him. I think I accomplished that even if the naysayers will think otherwise. When I saw him, I didn’t have the butterflies I normally have. He was just him. Not exb0o… not my ex boyfriend, but who he is. Just him. As romantic as the weekend was, with hand holding, kisses and romantic birthday dinners I held my composure and knew that in front of me wasn’t the love of my life… but a love I’ve loved most of my life. Nothing will ever change that, but nothing will make nostalgia want him like I have in the past.

The weekend ended in tears, because that’s just how we do it haha… it was one last plea to call him out. The weekend would have ended fine, if I didn’t bring it up, but I needed to know. A few weeks ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend. This move came out of left field. I had a feeling I knew why he asked me, but I wanted to hear it from him. I knew that he didn’t want to go there, but we went there. He told me that he thinks about it, he wants it sometimes, but when push comes to shove, he knows that he’s married and in love with one person and one person only… himself.

I cried. I didn’t have to, I wanted to shake him and curse him for putting me through all this. I wanted to tell him that it was unfair to tell someone you want to be with them, but take it back because you’re not man enough. It didn’t make sense to me until we were at Borders and I was reading an excerpt from Steve Harvey’s book, “Act like a lady, think like a man.” There was a part where he talks about when you know a man wants you, and it’s when he can provide to you do you know that he wants you. I realized that all the things (according to Steve Harvey) that a man is supposed to do when he cares about you are things that he’ll never do for me. I don’t know if I can positively say forever… but I can definitely say that currently… he’ll never give me what I need from a relationship and a boyfriend.

Just like that… the shuttle whisked him away from me. As we hugged in familiar settings he hugged me tight and kissed me on the cheek. I struggled and was hesitant to make my next move, but I did it anyway. With all my courage and hesitation, I told him that I loved him, and that I always will. He smiled kissed me again and said, “I know.”

The hardest part about the whole situation is that despite all the love I have for him, it’s run out and I’m done. With that one last swoop of emotions I’ve given up on an idea of us and I’ve finally let him go.

I want to say, that in this day and age that someone my age should be okay with being single, but sadly I don’t think that’s the case. If anything this weekend has reminded me more than ever that one is the loneliest number.

My friends are starting to form themselves into two groups. Those with significant others and those without. It’s always been the case since forever, but even more so than ever I’ve been paying more attention to it. I’m quite envious of my friends who are in relationships or have a male or female companion to share inside jokes on Facebook or have a nice weekend with. It’s a horrible thing to be bitter and jealous about, but I am. Just a little.

While in a dark bar drinking a drink that was way stronger than I needed it to be a friend confided in me that she’d like to meet someone or just have someone to do these things with. Even if it doesn’t amount up to something like marriage, the companionship would be nice for the time being. In my own life, I would want to be Charlotte-sque and have the talk with her girlfriends saying, “Maybe we can be each other’s soul mates.” And live happily ever after with my friends, but I know that will never be the case.

Someone always wants to be with someone.

I am not, going to sit here and say that all my friends should be single. I am also not going to sit here and say that I would rather be single than have someone. I do want to say that people want it more than I do at this point in time. I’ve said this time and time again, I have a lot to work on before I jump into a relationship, but I do feel thatthis desire to be in a duo has kind of crippled our psyche a bit. Maybe society has something to do with it? Why can’t we just be okay with being by ourselves? Why is love such status symbol and level of accomplishment? I mean because of that statement alone, millions are flocking all over the web to find true love with one click of a mouse.

But I’m digressing from the point.

I wish there was a way for friends and a couples to co-exist. I feel that a friend’s quest to find love and your set of friends don’t mesh as well as many of us think they do. Sometimes, friends bring in a significant other and automatically assume that acceptance is easy while other times, as the friends we become quite critical of who has won our friend’s affection and if they are worthy of that and our attention.

I feel this is always going to be an ongoing issue. How can you incorporate your own desires to have a significant other into your life with your friends? Depending on who you ask I think one may be more important than the other. I’ve had this conversation with my own friends many times and I know that they’ve all given me different answers. Some are very certain that friends are first no matter what, while others can’t quite say the same. Whatever the case may be, I doubt that there is a single group of friends out there that can come to a general consensus about this topic because individuals feel differently about it.

Sadly, it’s not so much my desires to rekindle with a certain someone that has made me pay more attention to him than I should these past couple weeks, it’s been the fact that everyone is in a duo… everyone has their own “duo” to tend to that part of me felt left out of the mix. I guess tending to my own little make shift unrealistic duo has gotten my mind off of the fact that everyone around me is with someone, getting to know someone or on the prowl to meet someone. That’s my bad for sure, I’ll be the first to admit that, but the heart wants what it wants I guess…

I don’t know if there’s any type of solution to the situations that I’ve stated in this post. If anything this is just pure singledom frustration and venting. I’m really happy that my friends have found people they want to be with or want to be around. I just wish that there was a happy medium that could be achieved when friends go off into relationship world and leave you in the dust. I know nothing changes how you feel about your friends, and you’ll always be friends, but I guess I’ve always been on the single side of the spectrum when it comes to this that I wish my “taken” friends could see it from my side once in a while so they know how I feel.

I’m ready to be on vacation.

I know it’s a bit contradictory of me to say that, because previous post have talked about me wanting to keep my job, but when April and May roll around, these feeling ensues in everyone. Don’t get me wrong, the general feeling of enjoying the work I do is still within me, but I’ve just had a hard time getting back into the rhythm of things since Spring Break was over. Don’t roll your eyes… I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “At least you have breaks… at least you have summer vacation… at least you have afternoons.” And honestly… as perky as all that stuff sounds it really isn’t all that glamorous. If I could vacation whenever I wanted and call in sick without it being such a huge production I would trade you in a heartbeat.

Seriously.

Work has generally been okay regardless my inability to bounce back from a weeks worth of vacation time in DC visiting Angela. I had a really stressful Monday getting a project together that I should have had all squared away before break because I had plenty of time to do so. That was my bad. The rest of the days consisted of me trying to get back into the swing of things, but we had a really messed up modified schedule this week so my teaching circadian rhythm hasn’t been on track. Wednesday we had a short day, Thursday (today) is an uber long day and tomorrow is a minimum day. AS excited as I am to jump in my car and hit the beach tomorrow… I know that if I’m still writing this post in 20 minutes, I better get some work done tomorrow so I’m good to go next week.

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As far as my personal life is concerned it’s been an interesting last couple of days to say the least. Although I’m probably better off not getting into the full details of what’s been going on, for the most part I can honestly say I’ve been thrown for a huge loop and I’m questioning my good judgment and my ability to not let love get in the way of common sense and the right thing to do for myself. I keep reminding myself that I’m an adult and that the love game is something far more serious now than it was before. Maybe if this was 2 or 3 years ago I could look at this current situation lightly and say yes to the vices and the bad stuff that although so bad for you feels oh so good. I’m sure you veteran readers of my blog already know what I’m referring to in this ambiguous post, but I’d rather not acknowledge the situation with details.

A part of me feels like my leg is being pulled. You can’t joke about love at this age. Especially when I’m ready to just fall and not fall down. I don’t want to question emotions, settle or even play little what does he mean when he says this type of games. I’m too grown for that and I feel that the more I realize that I am too grown for that the more that this situation is not even worth dealing with. At the same time, it’s nice to be wanted and loved by someone you feel the same about. Even if it’s not good for you. A lot of things aren’t good for you yet you still put up with it. I definitely know that first hand.

I am not going to retract any decisions I’ve made to move on from all this… I just help but revel in the nostalgia. I’m only human and I know I’m smarter and I’ve moved on. I just can’t help but question where this has come from and why am I listening in the first place. He says it’s because I’m a girl, but seriously despite the fact that he’s the one dishing the drama that’s temporarily turned me upside down this week, he’s doing his own nostalgic tour with me.

I’m not the only one being knocked down.

Knock You Down — Keri Hilson feat. Ne-yo and Kanye West

Sometimes I feel weird that he’s not a part of my life anymore. In more ways than one, I know it’s better this way… I just feel empty. I’ve struggled and dealt with him not being the right one for the last year or so, but to have finally been able to just walk away cold turkey, no contact whatsoever has been quite an accomplishment, especially in two weeks when it will have been a year since I’ve seen him face to face. Now that if anything is the biggest accomplishment of all, because all of you regular readers know that for a minute, almost every other month I was up in NorCal visiting him.

I keep tabs on him through his BFF. I know it’s weird for him to be that liaison, but I think he doesn’t mind. I know that he’s seen my exb0o with all these different girls, but I’m probably the only one he’s actually liked. A few weeks ago I checked up on him, asking if the former flame was okay, and he told me he was and he said to just email him since he’s given up on phone technology.

This isn’t a wah, wah, wah, I miss him post, because if anything I’m so proud of this accomplishment. Of course, on lonely nights (like tonight) I miss him and wish he’d fill the void, but even then when he would… I knew that it’d still feel empty because he wouldn’t be here… or he was only a temporary fix. I still wonder how life would be if I was in NorCal or he was 20 minutes away instead of an hour on a plane ride away. I alway wonder these things yet I always know that nothing was ever going to change between us. He’d still be who he is, and I’d still be me… both chasing after two very different dreams. That all being said, I pat myself on the back and smile because it’s taken a really long time to come to this point where I can honestly say that I’m on the road to getting over him.

During a quick syrupy snack with Work BFF Mike he asked me if I was seeing anyone. Seriously… with all the craziness that has been happening lately, a boy/man/opposite sex distraction would totally throw me for the oddest loop right now. The only reason why his question threw me off was because mentally and emotionally, I’ve put love on the back burner. I’m still getting over him. I’m still getting over the last couple years of me and him. It’s still even weird to me that I don’t feel as strongly about him as I used to. I can’t even think about meeting someone new or even getting close to anyone yet. As corny as this sounds, I really want my heart to be fresh and brand new for the next person to come a long.

The question is… is that even possible?