[Brush your shoulders off...] Secret. I'm not as gangster as you think I am. hehe =) But all jokes aside. I'm really not as confidant as I seem like. Whenever my friends and I talk about confidance levels and insecurities they always seem really shocked to hear that I feel this way. It's hard to always go into things with a level of confidance that people are used to you having. USUALLY I don't sweat things, but I don't know... this application thing and my whole parental situation seemed to have gotten the best of me. Employee Moral ALL TIME LOW! Haha... but all jokes aside... I feel apprehensive about the whole thing because I went out on a limb majoring in Asian American Studies hoping that all my little Asian Am dreams would come true. I came at a major hault in that process when I wasn't accepted into graduate school. I thought things over... took on the FilAm Arts internship... found a job in the community and then baM! Instant gratification yes? No, not really. Truth is as much as my job does good in the community and I still keep my ties with FilAm Arts to keep "the goal" close by... I guess I wasn't as happy as I thought I was in my job. The monotny of it all... the whole schduling process.... over and over again. It just never stops. Although a lot of jobs are like that, I guess I never thought that it would bug me. Although I'm over it today, yesteday my job was just... driving me crazy (no pun intended for those of you who know) I can't seem to find it in me to walk into this grad school process with the confidance that I want to have. I just think that it's high school all over again, I'm the non AP kid trying to keep up with the AP students. One thing I KNOW I need to get over is that academics don't determine everything. A lot of the people I keep close by remind me of that. I used to wish that this whole grad school app was an interview... althought I can usually write my way out of everything this time around the personal statement rings the kinda fear into me that no other thing has done. A couple fo thing I can't do is 1. admit that I'm scared 2. take critizism about my personal statement. It's hard, the truth is very hard to take (they weren't lying when they talked about that stuff in the movie) But seriously I need to suck it up and get over those things, knock out the negative enegry and make the next couple of days productive (whether I write my personal statement or not, I'm going to be productive about doing the writing process itself.) Another secret. I usually bottle up things inside until I have one day of BREAKDOWN. I know that's really unhealthy, but sometimes it works. I broke down yesterday at the FilAm Arts office (of all places) It was raincloud over my head for days. It wasn't a pretty site, but the difference of breaking down infront of them is the fact that they give me this nurturing honesty that I can probably get from them. Vanessa gave me a lot of questions to ask myself about the whole school process and life and general. As emo as it is writing down feelings, and getting to the bottom of things, clensing and emotially release via journal/paper/word document is good therapy. And you know my crazy ass needs it. I guess the biggest fear I have to encounter is that if I don't get into graduate school it doesn't mean my dreams don't stop. I always thought that if graduate school isn't what I will be doing, then how will I get to where I want to be. The idea of teaching doesn't necessarly mean that it has to stay in the classroom. You can teach wherever you go with whatever you got. I think that's the one thing that I have to keep reminding myself of. Anyway... more randomness later. I guess it's back to the drawing board! FOURTEEN MORE DAYS!