<>[Face Value] I saw him today for face value. Without my love colored glasses so to speak. It was weird because the anticipation of seeing him (since I had not seen him in a couple months) felt so familiar. I recognized it so well. Semi butterflies were fluttering around my stomach.

Sadness came over me, because for the first time I looked at him as him and nothing else. It felt weird, but at the same time I felt like I personally lost hope. I think that�s what made me so sad. My heart ached because it knew that maybe my .1% of hope that we would be together in the end, just got crushed. Not because of how he was on his end� but how we were as a whole. Things weren�t odd� it didn�t feel weird. He didn�t leave me giddy smiling every time Let�s Stay Together came on. He left me like a hommie saying peace after a long night out. I never had that feeling before until tonight.

<>Maybe this is the kind of good bye from the love aspect of our relationship I needed.

Why do I feel so bummed out? I mean, it�s good for us to be this way, but at the same time you think that after a year of putting myself through this, I got used to it? It was so easy to just say �hey I really like him,� and keep it at that. No hassles nothing, just liking him, and just waiting. Maybe I got lazy, maybe I just got to used to only caring about him and no one else, but as I was with him tonight� white tee shirt boys, and others made my eyes wander and I just felt like I got the closure I had wanted so long ago.

<>.1% has turned into .05% and well� I don�t know what to say or do next. Of course, other important issues plague my mind at the moment (losing 15 pounds before my birthday, applying to graduate school, and upping my work productivity) We�re as strong as we ever been� at the same time� I walk into it knowing that we really are just friends.

That�s a hard thing to swallow when you love someone.