[Random thoughts from the night]

The confines of my room feel homey... as it should I guess. I haven't been creative in this space for a while. Especially since the wireless wasn't being wireless and I just don't have a lot of time to spend in my room other then the time I spend getting ready for work/outings or sleeping. I realized that space is important, in all aspects of the word. The interferences from the outside are able to be closed out by just closing my door I mean as simple as this concept may seem, sometime that door closing isn't so easy. I haven't been sleeping very well. I'm not sure if my UCLA application had anything to do with that. Here I am post applying, and I feel... relived that it's over, but apprehensive because I really would like to go to UCLA, not because of the blue and gold colors, or the name notoriety, because I really think I'll learn a lot from the program. I miss being in an active learning environment. I miss not knowing and then knowing... that's the coolest thing about education that I did so much. Vanessa and I were rappin' yesterday about... well what weren't we rappin' about. She gave me this look and said "You know you can still do what you want to do if you don't get into this program, I want you to be okay with that." I agreed with her, but she didn't believe me (she knows me all too well) and yes, this program should not make or break my decision to become a lecture or even being a teacher in general. I know a lot can happen and I can make it happen. It's just a matter of making it happen. I know that if I don't get into UCLA, I'm on the first freeway out to SF State. And even if I don't get into SF State... I'll be on the first train to... deciding what to do next. My path is going in all these crazy directions, and I really don't know what to do. I don't see myself at my job for more than a year, because I know come FPAC I will be sick of it... and well... I want to do other things. I guess part of me feels that I'm not living up to my potential staying at my job. Graduate School was the ultimate answer to this question, but the thought of rejection all over again... man it took a while to get over the first time... WHO KNOWS what will happen this time around. For sure devastation to the ten millionth degree, but hopefully I'm gully enough to wade through this puddle of apprehensiveness.

Really it's not that serious.

So now, all I can do is just wait. Wait to see what happens next.

A couple other things...

--I don't know what to get my co-workers. Cards and candy individually I guess. I mean the only one I'm really close to is the office manager, and man playing santa clause this christmas totally wiped me out. There might not be much to give. My other co-worker got a BIG GIFT for everyone. I might opt for a tub of popcorn. lol

--I found exb0o's hip hop group on myspace. Just by chance y0... there was a picture of him... and I got all senti. I sent an email... a foolish email perhaps asking how to get in contact with him. I don't know if he'll respond, but at least I gave it a try. I was tempted to download one of the groups MP3z, but I don't know... as drama and OA as it sounds... I just don't know how I would feel hearing his voice. I don't have feelings for him anymore (really I don't) but the idea of him... I don't know... just the idea of being in contact again is enough. PERIOD. 5 bucks he doesn't respond back.

--I'm tired... sleeping schedule is being dumb... I should sleep earlier, but dammit... my night is not complete unless I watch 11:00 simpsons.

--I really hope exb0o emails me back... seriously.