[Break Free]

I went through old entries and xanga post a couple of nights ago and I came to this conclusion.  

Three have ruled my world for the last three years.

You know their nicknames. No use in repeating them. I�ve fallen for them repeatedly and sworn them off the same way. It�s so easy to say I wish it could work out or I think my feelings have changed. But situations of late have made me realize that maybe, just maybe� New Years Resolution for next year should be to get rid of three instead of one.

I�m tired, but not only that� it gets old. These three know that they�ve plagued my world with drama for these past couple of years. One of them knows that I�m on my last nerve with him. Though we�ve had our sweet moments together, and for what it�s worth, I�d love to be the one he comes home to after a long day at work, he just won�t man up. I�ve accepted that and so has he. We just leave it be, and although some might think that it�s the perfect set up, the two of us know that nothing more then the conversations we share in the wee hours of the morning is all we can really count on. That�s pathetic, not love.

The other is crazy� and drives me crazy. One day he�s the man of my dreams and we�re ready to run away together, the next I�m like day old dog food, not even the hungriest of hounds would like to feed off of. I can�t deal with someone who�s so indifferent and in love with me all at the same time. I wish I could go back into time to those days we used to share when we were teens. As I left him behind in the future, I can only reminisce about our past. Unfulfilled expectations and someone who has not grown up yet� what more can I do about that? Absolutely nothing.

Finally he is saved for last. Because although he cares about me the most out of the three, he�s the most fucked up. I�ve been in limbo for the past couple years� I don�t know what to think anymore. Although I love him with all my heart� that same heart is fed up with him. It�s really time to move on and stop waiting for something that doesn�t know what they want.    

Why all of the sudden have I decided to talk about this? Well� the weeks past events have made me realize that� there is life outside of the three. Although love is what I talk about most of the time on this blog� it doesn�t plague my thoughts and days as often as you think, but this past week has been unusual. As burnt out and over worked as I was, there was still time to laugh� see how I was doin� � make a girlfriend jealous� and well� feel good about myself and feel good because of a new cast of characters. Confidence wise� I didn�t think this was possible� because when it comes to affairs of the heart, I don�t find myself desirable (which was sorta the topic of the audio blog post below) But finally fellas not apart of the notorious three had made me feel, and that�s a big accomplishment for me.

2006� I will break free from the three. Although I probably can�t totally eliminate them completely, I am going to be the best friend I can be to them, and nothing more (unless someone totally does a 180 or finally admits they love me so LOL) I will make them realize what they could have had when I was hopelessly devoted to the idea of us these past few years (individually� not at the same time) Haha� talk about emancipation of Nikky! But real spit� I�m happily waving my white flag.

I�ve officially given up on you three.

And I�m happy to walk away with no hesitation.