[Because work was meant for the PM not the AM] Happy Monday Morning!

I looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom just now and I realized I�m probably dressed more casual then usual for a Monday morning. Who said a triple five soul track jacket and jeans weren�t meant for the work place =)

Because of KDAY (and for pure nostalgic reasons), I�ve been dedicated to making a vintage hip hop mix. Depending on whatever I hear and remember� I�m going to put it on this list. A couple of songs that I downloaded were �I know you got soul� by Eric B. and Rakim, �Same Gang� by the Westcoast All Stars and �You can�t play with my Yoyo� by Yoyo and Ice Cube. CRAZZZY huh?! Do you know how old you were when those songs came out? Going to the Shock G topic again� I can�t believe they�re the same person! When I was listening to Same Gang (and I even remember the video) they were like standing side by side! Gosh I feel so played!

I had a really great weekend! (not that you guys asked or anything) I did a club night at Club A.D. with Franny and My CSUN GF for our birthdays. It was awesome! I haven�t danced like that in a while! (um maybe New Years came close� but not as good as Saturday) It�s so cool to go out and break loose on the weekends. I think I should keep up this trend of dancing on the weekends. It turns out if you dance for 30 minutes *actively dance� none of this leaning back* hehe you burn 480 calories. That�s according to Vibe Magazines recent issue (with Game on the cover!). It was also cool to see CSUN peeps, because I�ve been MIA for a while. The highlight though was hanging out with Anthony and Virginia. Two of my friends from elementary school that I got back in touch with because of Friendster! Ahhh� the wonders of technology. It was really good to see them. I don�t think it will be the last time we�re going to hang out (at least I hope not anyway) hehe�

Speaking of reunions� I IMed Sylvester yesterday just to wish him a happy belated birthday. He said to me �I was just talking about you to someone two weeks ago� (around my birthday) and It old him �I was doing the same.� Oh Sly� haha (I doubt he�ll read this but if he does I don�t care) That�s my OG roll dogg. My moms loves him too� that�s her son! Hehe� I�d get jealous sometime because my mom would baby him so much. I can�t even begin to list all the adventures we�ve been on. He�s coming home for spring break in March so I�ll be glad to catch up with him when he does. Again� yay for technology!

And on an even more random tip, at FilAM Arts� Vanessa gave me the nickname flash because every time I tried to ask a question or talked to him, I would be talking all hella fast and stuff and it took them a while to get used to me talking all fast. Anyway� turns out Shaq calls Dwayne Wade �flash� as his nickname for Dwayne.

Haha� I TOLD YOU we were meant to be lol jk!

[At work for two hours already�] Can you believe it? Because I can�t. Hehe.

I�m not sure if I mentioned this (although I should just scroll down to check to see if I did) But Amy and I went to a Teach for America meeting on Tuesday. For those of you who do not know what Teach for America is, it is this program that sends �America�s best and brightest� to low income urban areas and rural areas to teach for two years. You are paid to teach, and they also pay for schooling. In some areas (like Los Angeles) while you teach, you can go to school for one day a week for 2 years and get a Masters in Education (!) pretty crazy. I�ve been thinking about it more and more, and although I know it will be hard and probably the most intense two years of my life, but while I was listening to the former members talk about their experiences, I realized a couple of things. I never was the smartest in school; going to Alhambra was probably both beneficial and unhealthy all at the same time. Beneficial because I was competing with people who will probably be your boss one day (seriously I shit you not they probably will) and unhealthy because of the same reason. I never really found my place, and I was always playing catch up� no not always� I was constantly playing catch up. I always wanted to try, but looking back on it, instead of being a B/C honors kid I could have been an A/B regular kid. Anyhow, I always felt like� you�re automatically labeled when you enter a class room. At Alhambra especially, they assume that if you�re Asian, you�re smart and you don�t belong in the regular classes. So imagine how uncomfortable I was when I stepped into my A level history class my senior year. Stares and �what are you doing here?� were given all around. I felt like a failure. Can you believe my teacher even had the nerve of �Not working up to potential� on my report card? I mean what if that was all I could give� what if I was not as good as people thought I was. It�s such a horrible atmosphere to be in. Even when applying to college, my school counselor told me to not even try for a UC I mean, why would discourage someone not to try? I felt, again so defeated about the whole situation. I even asked her if I should just go to community college and she said �Don�t bother, just go to a Cal State.� Although yes, academically, I probably should have not aspired to go to Berkeley or anything like that, I didn�t think it was right of her to discourage me from the UC system all together. When I got to college, I still had my Alhambra mentality with me. I didn�t think I was good enough because I was playing catch up with my friends over the hill (I was at Cal State Northridge in �The Valley� and they were at UCLA) Eventually, I found Asian American Studies, and a whole nest of professors who gave me the confidence I needed to realize that I needed to break away from the bubble and find my own niche when it came to the world of academia. The last two and a half years of college were� awesome. Although I was not the best student again as far as grades are concerned, but I felt like I became a better student (and I was acing all my Asian Am classes so who cares lol) but seriously, I didn�t think I�d ever get to the place where I�d be secure with the student I am without any UC/AP KID comparisons. Thinking about the stories that they were telling while I was at the meeting, I realize that these kids that they cater to in these areas are automatically counting themselves out like I did when I was in school. Although my insecurities were minimal, these kids are dealing with much more horrendous factors, probably worse then I would ever have to endure. Sure it sucks having your parents divorced, your mom laid off and your heart broken while trying to survive your junior year of high school, but trying having to go through the everyday struggles these kids have to go through just to get a decent education is a way harder then anyone could ever imagine. I guess what entices me to try the program out is that; I don�t want them to be automatically counted out like I always felt. Because of X factor you�re not going to be Y. My family� my own family used to count me out because of my parental and life situation. And I never really struggled the way that these kids struggle. In a sense, I do believe in the whole �no child left behind� theory, but again roll with me on this one (because I know I�m super optimistically talking) This kids should feel like they are going to college. And I would love to try and give them that opportunity. These kids should feel like they will accomplish a lot despite their surroundings. I would love to help them achieve that sense of accomplishment. I know it will take a lot, and I know the system is against more if anything, but I think I�m willing to take that chance and give it a try. Again, I know I�m speaking about this super optimistically and that if in the program, I might have a small honeymoon period and be discouraged with it all together, but for the most part� I really think that I would like to try this. I�ve also been thinking about going to graduate school. What will I accomplish if I do decide to enter an Asian American Studies program? Am I ready for a whole two years of school without working? I know that this is kind of selfish to admit, but I don�t think that I�m ready to not work anymore. I think I�m used to my paycheck. Broke college student status doesn�t seem too cute, and well being a part time lecturer of Asian Am� as popular as the major might get� perhaps it won�t pay the bills as well as teaching would be. I really do have to look at this realistically. Finally, it�s the ultimate challenge for� myself. Home base is home base� and I was never one to say �I�m going to move and leave Los Angeles for a while.� Now, I feel antsy, The Bay Area doesn�t even seem like it�s far enough to catch this antsy-ness that I�ve been feeling for a while. Part of me wants to prove to myself that I�m as independent as I claim to be. Can I be away from moms? Can I be away from my friends and family, who constantly hold it down? I admire peeps like Theresa and Angela who moved across the country to do their thang! I know it takes a lot of work, but again, I think I need this. Amy and I have been throwing around three choices of where I want to teach for Teach for America, and I naturally replied 1. Los Angeles 2. Bay Area 3. New York. Amy gave me this look and said �You should do 1. Bay Area 2. New York 3. Los Angeles.� I thought about it for a second and I�ve been thinking about it since we had that conversation. I can handle the Bay Area, I think I could do that for two years� too easy =) But New York, think about it folks� when would I actually get the chance to actually live in New York� like even for a little bit of my life. I think I�m soulful enough for New York don�t you think? Plus� Angela is in D.C. and that�s not so far away from NY (well it�s not that close but it�s not like a home base element won�t be there). Although in all honesty, I don�t think I�m daring enough to make New York my first choice, but we�ll see how that goes. Jay said the sweetest thing to me (because he�s emo like that) he said �No matter where you decide to go, there will be a bunch of peeps waiting for you when you get home.�

I think that�s all I really needed to know =)

ACTUALLY I'll be taking guestlist stuff til Friday =)

WE have a 5 dollar before 10:30 guestlist goin' if you wanna come... let me know by tomorrow afternoon... I know such late notice... but you know how we do!

:: It was meant to be folks... :: While reading the morning news... Guess who was born the same day and year as me in Chicago, Il? DWAYNE WADE! *sigh* lol! Now I have more of an excuse tot ry and holla at him... (jk like I really have a chance)

:: A whole buncha bloggerific nothing! :: Okay, so I lied, I did not post songs up to the right... sorry! --I'm sucked into all the Johnny Carson stuff (ANGELA! It's like the Regan Funeral all over again!) I am the ultimate media watching putz... The clips are pretty funny if you think about it. I especially like the animal clips. I'm more of a David Letterman kinda gal, and I'm wating for Conan to get Jay's spot, but that's another story. --Don't believe in the hype... says Hasim you gotta be pretty desperate for ratings to poke fun at something that the whole world is so compassionate about. That is so fucked up. Who knows what's gonna happen, but again, I'm a media watching putz... but yea... I still think it's fucked up. --My ex and his crew opened for Digital Underground on Saturday... because of work obligations I did not attend, but while I was reading this month's vibe while on the eliptical... there was an artical about Shock G did you know that Shock G was Humpty Hump dude! The magic tricks of videos y0! I was so convinced that those were two different people... they even had a pie chart asking people if they knew that they were two different people... and a lot of them didn't. I am one of them who didn't! --I hit the gym because dangit... I have freakin' seven days of bday dinners to work off! Had a good work out, although my running isn't going too well, my overall workout is pretty good. 45 minutes of cardio, then weights. Toned summer body hear I come! (lol... syke!) --Speaking of gyms, I was reading the xanga of some chick that went to my high school. Dang that girl is gym obsessed and looks like really great. I'm afraid though, her attitude towards it is a little disturbing, but I guess when you look that good you gotta have that kind of attitude. She was okay in high school but she's fuckin' slammin' now. I gotta give her props for all her hard work, but I just hope that everything is okay, and she's not too concerned about her weight. I think last Sundays of The Simpsons nailed it. Lisa was all getting fit and everything... a teen/twentysomething in the body of a 2nd grader. Don't you love how The Simpsons have grown with anyone who is 20-24? Awesome! --Anyhow... I'm trying to put in perspective the years coming up. I'm scared, but I know that I'm ready to jump ship and swim over to another one. Although I'm learning to deal with adult situations at my job, I think I'm ready to meet my calling. I always knew I wanted to be in education, but now the teaching bug has bit me harder then ever before. I think I would do well as a teacher, and I'd love to incoperate everything that I've learned in school to students in school who don't like school. I love how this idea of teaching has just hit me so hard, Grad School rejection won't be as bad if that's what happens. An associate of my workplace, told me "You have a good spirt and you're a people person, you really need to associate with a younger crowd because they listen to you." I took what she said for face value and realized that if someone whos known me for a couple of months have picked that up from me because of my interactions at work. Amazing... I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, but I just think it's a little sign all on it's own. *popin' my collar!* AND I... need to be at work around 9ish... GET TO BED NICOLE!

My thoughts were everywhere but where it should have been today. Dang I miss him.

:: In the last three days and other news :: In the last three days

• Co-Worker dinner for my B-day at Sho Gun! It's way better then that other place
• Went to San Diego in remarkable time! Ended up going home in the slowest time lol
• Saw the waves crash at the beach with Amy and Henry
• Sat in a black civic for an hour and a half talking about everything, and nothing =)
• Various other fun San Diego adventures despite the bad start of the day.
• Went to dinner for Franny's Birthday
• Found an alcoholic drink I actually like
• Drove a big ass truck
• "Shorty wanna ride with meh!"--Amy
• Made the world smaller by talking to a San Gabriel Guy
• Visited with Theresa!
• Hung out with the CSUN CREW... Shine, CSUN gf and Nate
• Taught myself 3 guitar chords... almost there to rock star status!

Anyway, I've been at the Triad for an hour now. I need to start coming in at nine. So much gets done, and so much doesn't get done coming in earlier. The hour just flew by and I barely sat down to turn on my computer. I went to the kitchen to warm up my breakfast (true islander style... spam masubi) and stared at the coffee pot for a good minute. I thought to myself you better not reach for the pot. And as soon as I started smelling the spam I turned the microwave off and headed back to my cube. Good job! I feel like a big ol' birthday dinner blob lol. I had so many birthday outings the past couple of days I'm afraid that my skinny jeans that fit all of the earlier part of the month, probably won't fit anymore. This always happens, but hey back to the gym and probably never see a big meal restaurant in a while. Let's hope so anyway, I also figure that if I go to work earlier, I can go home earlier and work out more. Again, let's hope so anyway. So, I don't think I ever told you guys this, but I like reading about NY radio. Don't ask me why, but I just think it's kinda cool. I think it goes hand in hand with my mixtape obssesion because all the mixtape DJs are on the NY radio stations djing. I feel like the radio market in NY is HUGE, bigger then it is here (even though it's kinda weird because in NY they walk more and here in LA they're in cars more... so how do they listen to the radio? Just chillin on an actual radio? Who does that still?!) Anyway... on the hip hop blog tip Jay from hiphopmusic.com posted this first about what the fucked up morning team of Hot97 did. They made a song about the tsunami victims in a very bad way. Just read the post (if you haven't already). Being the Asian Am lift your fist chick that I am (lol I'm not... but you know) I think it's sad that they'd take it that far. This is a very sad thing that happened, and to even try to go there is really really a stupid idea. It's tacky and tasteless. I think it also shows how just because the group is Asian they feel that they can attack the subject and not get into any trouble, just because they're Asian. What a bunch of fucken idiots... did they not think with the huge efforts to help the victims that they would not be attacked for doing this? I don't mean to take it here... but I have a feeling if this happened in Africa there would be no song like this. Anyway... I'm just spreading the word hopin more people will read about it and do something about it. Then again, I know that Hot97 has a reputation for having fucked up skits like that. Ironically enough... the envelope for the Tsunami relief donations at my work passed my desk as I typed this. And if you look to your right... updated music list!

:: My Birthday Part II and other stuff :: And there's still more to come! Monday: I got to spend time with my favorite soon to be 4 year old Gabbie and my mom. We had lunch at Manila Sunset. I have this tradition with my mom to have Manila Sunset during my birthday, why... I really don't know. I just like doing it. I think it starts the year off fresh. After that, I went to the movies with them to finally watch The Incredibles. Good movie... not the best Pixar movie I've seen (It's still like Monsters Inc I think) but it was fun, after that I took an hour power nap and went to dinner with Charlie and Amy... at the newly opened Woodranch in Arcadia. Yum! Anyway, one of my fondest birthday memories (but not the only one of course) come from when I first moved out to college. I was coming home the night before my birthday. My friend Sylvester called, and I told him I was coming home, since we had not seen each other for a while, we headed over to norms (this was during my PRE JJ's CAFE days) anyway, I picked him up (it was like 1AM) and we sat and talked there til like 3 in the morning. When we walked out of norms... it was so cold that we ran back to my car faster then normal. Although I'm not doing justice to the memory, it was good times. It also makes me appreciate the intimate things done for birthdays. I thought about Sylvester a lot this past week. It's funny how communication lines can just be ripped apart by trivial and stupid things (like time restraints, relocation, etc...) Back then he was always by my side (no matter how close or far away I was) Everywhere in Alhambra I go I'm reminded of some time of crazy him and me story. He was my best friend, and he was family. I miss him a lot. I'm hoping that I can try and get back in touch with him, but if I don't... that's okay too. He's doing really well though (so I've heard). He plays NCAA basketball for Utah. I'm glad that he's finally getting to where he wants to be. I wish him the best of luck... *sigh* it's that kinda Tuesday morning...

:: MY BIRTHDAY (part one and one and a half!) :: It's not even my birthday yet (well it will be in like four minutes...) and I already have stories that will be highlights of 2005 at the end of the year.

Look at these fly ladies Saturday: It was Ladies Night 2005. Me and my girls out for a Tran planned night. First off it was dinner at Versallies. It was okay... I still think that Brazillian food is better... but it was really good (but I was kinda late... still got to spend some TNTM time together hehe) then after dinner it was to... HOLLYWOOD MEN! WHOA... my Alhambra bubble was totally poped on Saturday! Good golly... all I have to say is WOW! Haha... I couldn't really take it, but someone who shall remain nameless... enjoyed herself a lot. I got my first male lapdance by this guy it was kinda painful. I did not give him a welcoming chance... lol, but hey it's all gravy train. I don't really know if I would go back for pleasure (it's quite amusing actually) but for the most part... it was good times. It was nice to see males be pieces of meat instead of vice versa. We took a polariod but Tammy has it. Good stuff... but the night was not over. Me my sisters! We headed over to Club Pearl I had never been, and I think it was like the first time I was in West Hollywood for something straight. Dude... my sis is big pimpin, although West Hollywood parking sucked (like always) we ended up zooming to the front of the line. I had never been to Pearl, but it ain't that great. Did not live up to the hype that everyone made it seem like it was haha... but um it was cool we kicked it for a bit and then we walked out. It was funny because it was barely like 11:30PM and people were still in line antsy to get in. I lead the way and I walked out and I think we startled the security. I smiled and said "Is this the exit?" and they were like "You're leaving?!" and we said yea. And we left... They weren't even ready for people to leave. SOOOOO FUNNY that look on the security's face. So next stop... Club A.D.... that seems to be the spot so far. Everyone and their mama was there last night. The fire marshalls shut down the place because they were over capacity. Too bad too because we were on the all night guestlist (note: I'm really not that gangster, it's just my friends who are really gangster) but we had to leave... it was getting late. My ladies dropped out from 6 to 4 and we headed over to IVAR. I really hate IVAR... that place is too hollywood for me. Enough said. =) It was so cool club hoppin' I had not done that... EVER! Hehe... so thank you to "my girls" for a wonderful night =) **** Sunday: Was supposed to have BDAY dinner with DA FAM, RAZOR and JAY but Razor had obligations, and sick bugs hit Jay and Amy so I had an intimate dinner with Mei and Frances. Before we went... guess what I got from da FAM for my birthday!

Me and my new sexy guitar!

GOOD TIMES! We were supposed to have Cheesecake Factory, but instead... we ended up at Kabuki... we were kinda pickin on our waiter... but he was totally askin for it. my dates for the night Ahhh... good start to my birthday activities... hehe... Today lunch with my momma, and gabbie and a movie! Then dinner with Charlie and Amy (hopefully) and then Tuesday, dinner with my co-workers. THURSDAY! Dinner with my boys and Jenn. I feel loved. Shoutout to my sisters (and Mei who is kinda like my sister hehe) for such a wonderful time!

::Ready for a Switch..:: A couple of things today made me feel like I'm getting antsy for a switch. While walking in downtown today I was on Figueroa and 8th... walking back to my car from the Wilshire Grand. It's about a block a way tops, but it felt so urban. Just walking, the cars bussling by, all the shops catering to the busy business people. It felt like frisco. It was cool. All it needed to complete the setting was an underground bart station, instead of me walking to my car parking. It was awesome... I loved the vibe. Even though I don't get to experience this often, it was cool. Imagine not having to rely on your car =) awesome! I'd be ready for that kind of switch. While waiting for valet last night some girls were talking about their experiences in Thailand. What they did and the stuff they made. It was pretty crazy. I envied them (like I always do those people who travel the world) because they were able to get away and do something different. Even if they stayed for two weeks or two months... I'd be ready for that kind of switch. While reading my emails I got the announcement for the mac mini I really don't have to get another computer because my laptop is getting the job done and I have a desktop at work, but I'd like to get a new desktop and send my desktop the the Philippines for my cousins. It's really inexpensive too. I mean, I guess that mac user is still in me (I used to have a macintosh LCII... can you believe that?!) I'd be ready for that kind of switch. While realizing my birthday is a couple days away I'm getting older... yet I feel like I haven't truly lived life. I know I'm only going to be 23... but although I feel like I've acomplished alot... there's still more world to conquer. I've been playing it safe... keeping it cool. It's time for some challenges... time for something different. Time, time, time for some action! (haha where would I be without my hip hop references?) Time to get the game switched! I'd be ready for that. p.s. I have a feeling I'd only be daring enough to get a new comp lol... we'll see.

::Knowing Your Limitations:: I'm slowly learning when to back off...

Although it's nice to have that supergirl mentality in everything that I do, sometimes it can get old. It�s the Capricorn in me I suppose. Sometimes you need to step back and think about the bigger picture. Sometimes you need to breathe, stretch, shake�let it go. (which seems to be my new mantra for the year) I need to learn that I can�t be the go to girl in all situations, and realize that even I have my limits.

As vague as this sounds, it kind of applies to all aspects of my life (both professional and personal) I need to set limitations so that my work isn�t half assed (not that it would be J but I�m just sayin�) I often try to be that one element in the environment that just makes magic happen, but sometimes� the magic can�t happen. I get disappointed, and I try real hard to be �the hitmaker� but in the end� dull drab elevator music would come out either way because I did not know my limitations.

It�s an ongoing learning process I tell ya hehe�

On a side note (but semi related) I had a good talk with Vanessa about my job. I�ve hit this hard hump, the 6 month slump perhaps? Coming upon half a year at my position,

I�ve realized two things.

1. I�m not that thrilled with my job

2. That I now know more than ever that I�d like to be in education, and not educating the world about my professions cause.

Of course, Vanessa was not going to let me get away with venting without realizing what I am really saying (she�s really good at that dude!) Being that I will be here (and I can�t afford to quit) I have two options, I either deal with it and be miserable, or offer �creative solutions� to my office experience. I do have ideas and input on what we do, but I often feel like I get lost in the opinion pool of everyone else. I need to be proactive about the things that I see and not just let them slide by without my input (since everyone added on their input also) David even told me this. I realize now why everyone offers their ideas, it's not because they're being difficult, it's because they are hoping the same thing I'm hoping... that someone will actually listen. I just need to be more assertive in doing so on my end.

To the right of you is my personal description, and in it I say �I need to get past these 5 months as fast as possible.� That shouldn�t be the objective though. The more adult thing would be to make these next five months be worthwhile. To make clout here in the organization in the next five months, and not just sit here and let things just pass me by. I shouldn�t let this setting get the best of me. Although it isn�t my ideal setting, I really should not let it get to me so badly. It should be �I should make the most of the next five months.�

Yay! It�s 12:00 PM� and I�ve been here since 9:30 AM! Awwww yeah!

::Awww yeah!:: Because I'm not ready to post anything yet. One of my favorite pics from xmas. =) Thank you for always having my back... I love you! (you know who you are if you are reading this... all ten of you lol) I owe everyone one a DO OVER from this weekend... it's coming! So watch ya self!

Insomnia sucks!

[The Ex-Factor] A while back, probably around the time The Fugees all decided to do solo albums there was this article in Vibe magazine with Wyclef. They had asked him how he felt about Lauryn Hill's album and in the article, he said �The first time I heard Ex-Factor, I knew that she was talking about me.� (even though many people probably think that �Lost Ones� was about Wyclef, but that�s a whole different story.) They never dated, but they were friends. Close friends. In the car this morning while the rain poured harder and harder on my car in the middle of the night as I took my CSUN gurl fren home, I thought about the lyrics to Ex-Factor on a friend level, and I thought about my own current situation. I had trouble sleeping this morning when I got home (even though I was really tired) and I know that seriously, I�m at fault for this situation today, but overall� I feel like I�ve done all I can to make this person happy.

The Ex-Factor in my situation is someone I truly love. At the same time, no matter how hard I try, I seem to never get it right. I�m running out of juice� I don�t know what else I can do. I know that I�m not the victim in this set up, but at the same time� I just don�t think I�m 100% wrong. I don�t know anymore.

[Highlights and Lowlights of 2004] in other news... thought I'd break down the year with some memories... cloud 9 kinda high --Graduation c/o 2004! you know! (mostly P-Grad) --Graduation Party (with my family) --Hollywood Billiards (Grad Party) and my first time being drunk --Jay-Z Concert with Amy --My first fun night at the Abbey with David and crew --Spring Semester lunches with Razor (the end of an era hehe) --AAS 495 (the good parts) --Going to Charlie's play with Amy --FilAM Arts internship --All the new friends I made (Fil Am Arts fam bam mostly) --All the old friends who stayed --Still being the best of friends with him (after the truth came out) --Crazy Ro adventures --Work road trips with my co-worker for work (of course) Especially UCSD in the rain with my one person umbrella --My birthday and all it's celebrations (Razor's uncomfortable dinner, Disneyland with da FAM, Limo and dinner with Picture People co-workers) --Ex b0o reunion --"The Borrower" and my mini celebrity status on the FASA Guestbook --Amazing Thai and various amazing times there --My first real world job --buying an IPOD --Angela back from D.C. for xmas --Financial security (finally!) and finally leaving Picture People --mysterious m --being a gym bunny (I keep getting caught blogging by my boss! lol) kicked down from cloud 9 kinda low --telling him how I feel (twice) --rejection from UCLA --being in a cubial --Angela moving to D.C. --Frances moving to SD --Financial woes --School loans needing to be paid --"the 9-5" --mysterious m still being a mystery --not being in school anymore can't think of anything else... =) I better go though don't wanna get caught again.

[Mic check 1-2, 1-2] I read two kinds of blogs. The first set is the set I fell in love with. The people who inspired me to be a blogger myself (even to this day, I think the title of blogger is not fit for me) but the Asian Am blogger (first site that inspired me, and actually got me the means to do it was my old host Gerard) was the reason why I wanted to blog and write about my life. Just recently, I fell in love with the second set of bloggers and blogs. The hip hop blog. I was thinking Damn, people are writing about stuff I try and talk about with my friends and they don't get it. Awesome! Haha... Around the way this article circulated. All the hip hop blogs talking about how hip hop is 30... etc... etc. And well, I tired reading the article and frankly, I was bored the whole way through. People have praised it, and people have dissed it... the best opinion I heard about the article is here. Of course it was all his opinion, but I feel kind of cheated. He claims hip hop soley for the African American community, and how it starts there. I know that's the truth, but part of what hip hop is today is the fact that it goes across the board. I mean, the Pinay girl from Alhambra spits Tribe lyrics just as well as the brotha from the bronx. I know that was his angle and all, but I think that's what makes it sound stupid. The cool thing about hip hop now is the fact that it doesn't just belong to one community, even if it did before it doesn't now. More people listen to it, and sure everyone hates it when commercialization kills every genre for the hard cores. That happens for every type of media not just music and not just hip hop. Yes... I am this bored at work to tell you what I think about a hip hop article that you guys probably didn't read hehe =) P.S. I think that's why I like O-Dub's site so much because he's kinda a combo of my favorite blogs. Oh and hoping that he never reads this (I doubt he will) can I tell you how starstruck I got when Luca told me he knows him personally? LOL... O-Dub you have been warned, the next time I'm in the Bay and this crazy Pinay chick ask you for your autograph, don't say I didn't warn you lol.

[So much for early...] I got to work around hmmm... maybe 9:30ish hoping to miss everyone and have the office all to myself. My side of the office was here already (which is fine, because they don't pay attention to me anyway) and now I see that it's 10:20 and everyone has arrived. I would like to thank all my friends who are making me be on a college student schedule. I'm usually supposed to be in bed after the simpsons at 11:30PM or maybe stretching it would be like dude, probably 12, but for the most part... I haven't been meeting that at all. So it's finally Wednesday, I feel like the week has gone by so fast. Tomorrow is Thursday and then Friday. If you wanna make 4 months go by, go to work! LOL Nothing like a cubical to like make the time go by faster. So here I am sitting with my yogurt and granola and well... it's quite boring really. I don't know why I'm posting, probably to pass the time away. I just got to work and I wish I could go home. PHOO-EEY the next big step... *ahem* I don't see myself at my job for longer then... a year. Before I used to think that I could spring this for probably a year (or two) but now, I'm realizing that I really don't want to be here that long. DON'T GET ME WRONG I really don't think it's the people or the atmosphere at work, I just never thought I'd graduate and say "Oh, I want to do this" I never pictured myself being where I am today, and although it's a really good cause I think this really isn't my calling. I started looking into other things, not other jobs... but other professions. I think I should start praying for some kind of miracle that I get into graduate school because if nothing like that happens in the next couple of months, I'll need to leave this place and start a new path. Again, I can't help but feel that I'm not fulfilling my life's dream. LOL whatever that may be. I just know that I'm not getting high off my job if that makes sense. I guess I'm a firm believer in that whole "love what you do" myth. I mean whos to say that whichever career path I pick will have the same affect on me, but I just know that for a fact I'm not feeling it here. Sometimes I wonder if my co-workers are happy. I wonder if they ever feel the same way I do. I wonder if they ever thought they could do more then just this, I mean some of these people have Masters degrees and they are making my kind of money right now, and I just find it so weird that you'd pursue higher education and just end up with my job (which I'm not knocking the job education wise, but I feel that they have overqualified people doing something I feel anyone can do) I'm sure anyone community minded can totally wing this without a BA. I guess I noticed my apathy towards my job because I don't try to go above and beyond anymore. Before when I first started a couple months ago I always wanted to contribute. Always had ideas... now I just sit in meetings and wait to go back to my desk so I can update myself on the lives of my friends or strangers via blogs or just read the news and pretend to work for a little bit. Maybe I'm being too optimistic. I just did not think things would be like this. SERIOUSLY. I think I need a challenge. I think I need something to get me motivated and try to meet a goal or conquer a mountain. I know I'm lame, but I like things like that. GOSH! it's only freakin 10:50?! feels like FOREVER! Save. Me.

[Let's help each other out...] I found this while doing my hip hop blog rounds... THIS is my list. Maybe we can all help eachother and make goals. How many people think I will be over this in two weeks? =)

[New Years Resolutions '05 Edition] Comin' to break you off... lol my goals for the upcoming year. (in it's exact language) And to make sure I always see them... I put them up in my cubical so I would always look at it. Yes I am that lame, I took a camera picture of it for all of you to see.

1. Save y0 ends! we need to travel =)
2. Read more (you blog/im too much!)
3. Find a place to call your own (where you can come home whenever and whatever time you want)
4. Spend more time with TNT =)
5. Out with one "old"
6. Run an easy mile @ 9 min by the middle of Feb
7. Look good in white pants by summer
8. Breathe, stretch, shake...
9. Let it go
10. Don't sweat the small stuff

I found this really cool boondocks comic from yesterday talking about making resolutions and how it's pointless. Check it out. Anyway, I don't really think I need to go in depth about any of them because they're pretty self explanatory. (I had 9... because 8 and 9 were together... but I thought 10 was a nice round number!) I really should start sleeping earlier =(

[Year in Review] First off, HAPPY NEW YEAR READERS! I've actually been thinking about this post for the past couple of days. Every year, I sit here in my room to think about everything that has happened this year, and every year it seems to get harder. This has by far been the craziest year ever... here goes nothing. 2004 in a nutshell I left/graduated college Graduating from school has to be one of the biggest accomplishments that I've ever experienced. I feel like one stage of my life is conquered, and I'm on to the next land, like a Super Mario Brothers 3 game. Even though I'm proud to have graduated, I feel like it's not really a big deal. That's what's expected right? You go to college and you graduate. Some of us sooner then others, but for the most part you do it and it's done with. Then comes the next level. I entered the real world Working in a 9-5 (and a little more on the weekends) is definately something I did not picture myself doing (see next paragraph) I really did not expect to be at a job, because for the most part I thought I was going to be in school. The real world is very interesting, and yes I have to admit that I do enjoy having a pay check and my own cubical (sometimes) but I have to hand it to the triad I've matured tremendously because of my membership LOL. Seriously, nothing says jumpstarting maturity then having an important position at a notable non profit in the Los Angeles area. Damn I'm cool. LOL But seriously, I applied (with help from DAVID) and I got one of the first jobs I aplied for. And seriously, I really did not spend a lot of time looking for a job. I truly got lucky, and although for probably 75% of the time I do enjoy the real world, I know that this is just a pitstop... I won't be here for long. I was rejected A big part of the spring, dealt with my rejection from UCLA. When you're on top of your academic game, being rejected really doesn't feel good. In fact, it feels really awful. It takes a lot to admit to yourself that you didn't have what it took and what they wanted, and it was a whole new learning process for myself about rejection and well my own kind of acceptance. One of my mantras is "Things happen for a reason" and well, for this rejection came another type of acceptance that was very beneficial in my life. I was introduced to myself (all over again) You all hear me talk about it time and time again, but I am very glad and thankful for the three and a half months I spent with FilAm Arts. Not only did I gain a lot of community experience, but I met fabulous people who taught me a lot about life and myself. I find it funny how academia shelters you from reality sometimes, and how naive you can be about the world outside of your university. I learned a lot about myself, that I don't think any other experience would have taught me. It's hard to truly accept yourself faults and all, and I think that I learned that from them. Dealing with what you got and workin it to the fullest. When the rejection letter came, my self confidence (as lame as this sounds right now) was at an all time low. Doing things and being recognized for them during my internship raised my confidance level back to where it was pre rejection, and now, pre rejection time one more time... I believe (even though not so fully) that despite the out come this time around, I have what it takes to do what I want to do, even if it does not follow the path I want it to to begin with. I also learned that I have a lot to learn, and that sometimes... although things don't end up the way you wanted them to... it doesn't mean it won't end up eventually. I told "him" the truth Telling someone you like them is always hard. Telling someone who is an important person in your life that you like them, well that's even harder. I could probably sit here forever and type out why he is or is not fucked up for the whole situation in general, but that would probably take a whole year to explain. So I had feelings for a friend, and I finally said something, and when friend said let's just be friends (even though those weren't his exact words... and they never are his exact words) we ended up being that. BOTH TIMES I TOLD HIM! LOL In all honesty, it's not a big deal anymore, but it's hard sometimes. Sometimes I think I hold a mini grudge against him for all the time that has past, but I really don't. I love him wholeheartedly. I mean, to still be friends after the messy outcome of "the truth" well that's a big accomplishment. In my eyes, I see a true friendship... even after "the break up." I don't know what the future holds for me and him, but I do know that he's there. Who knows if one day he'll be "I'm so stupid, you've been it forever." or one day he'll be seeing me get married (but not to him). I don't know... this was a big chunk of the year, but it's nice to know it didn't hover into the new year. He's still special to me, and I know that I'm just as special to him. I suffered from growing pains My relationship with my mom seems to have gotten worse this year, I guess that comes with growing up. I guess she feels she's slowly loosing me, I never wanted her to feel that way. It's hard to deal with me now (post college) because even since high school I've been so independent (only child in me...) so adding on the fact that I'm financially independent, living here with her has been especially rough. I love her with all my heart, but I know that in the next couple of months, I have to motor on some plans to get out of this joint. *sigh* I'm an adult, and I know that for all that she does to me, I do for her in return. Maybe if I was a little farther away, we could appreciate each other a bit more. I do believe that you don't realize what you have until it's gone. I maintained homebase my friends kept me grounded this year... and part of me feels that my close friends and I got closer, especially the friends that have been around for more then ten years. Last year saw so many new faces circle around me, but 2004 was about home... and home was always with me and I know that 2005 will be the same case. Overall, I feel like the rollercoaster has ended. Graduation and the earlier part of the year was the last big drop in this rollercoaster ride, and August saw me stepping on to a different ride. I hate using graudation as a milestone, but it really is. I feel like my sorta adult life ended and my adult life has started. I'm excited for 2005. I don't know what to expect. All I know is that... it's going to be eventful, and big things will happen. at least I hope so anyway... New Year Resolutions next time =)