[Lettin' you know...]

I�m all over the place.

Note: I am comfortable enough to tell you all about my insecurities and fears. I think that I can handle that after all these years.

Monday: Tears and Beers� broke down to Amy about my current state� and we headed to Yard House to drown my sorrows in some Pear ale. WE talked about life and love and bartenders. We sat at the bar and someone� reminded me of Taiwanese Jonathan (I forget his nickname here). In my buzzed ness� I asked him �Are you Taiwanese?� and low and behold he was Filipino (of course). Bump that� no more Filipino guys =) Anyway I felt better after our outing, and decided that Tuesday would be the day to change� No more feeling like this.

Tuesday: My diet started. Yes, I am dieting. I used to think that I could just watch what I eat and work out like crazy and I�d be like 30 pounds lighter. That�s the magic number folks. 30. Everything and everything is about losing weight and not being this way, and not being that way and being fit for your heart� mind, body and soul. The whole BIT! I understand the importance of this and I�m not thinking it�s a bad or good thing, but it�s hard. I don�t want to say that this is the hardest thing I�ve done in my life. But shit� counting calories bites. It bites but I know that I�m not going to lose this weight without doing this. Like the crazy internet minded person I am, I googled diets and tips and the whole bit. An 1100-1300 calorie diet is what is best to start out with. That followed by workout equals people on Good Morning America losing weight. I�ve been reading Self Magazine, The Biggest Loser tips and The Three Hour Diet. I took all the tips from that and kind of put everything into one big diet for myself.

It�s hard to come to terms with you weight and your physical image. I guess what hit me on Tuesday was that I was sick of being that fat friend that all my friends have. I mean, you see the pictures. I hang out with a pretty fly group� and sometimes it�s hard on myself to be the one� the one that stands out because she�s the size of like 2 of her friends combine. I know I might be over reacting, and I know people tell me I don�t look that bad. But despite the reassuring thoughts my friends give� I had to think about myself. How I truly feel about myself. What is the source of all my unhappiness? What is it about myself that I don�t like right now? The one thing that kept popping up was, my weight. I�m unhappy about it and I want to change it. The first thing about making change in any aspect of your life is acknowledging that you have a problem and you need to fix it. It�s like a drug.

It�s not like I have a problem with food or it rules my life, I just made bad choices when I was younger. And you know that Filipino cookin� hehe� But yea, writing this on my journal is a call out to myself, because I visualize it and people see it too� I can�t back down from it.

So be prepared, sadly this journal might turn into diet venting� I�m just warning you =)

So yesterday was tough� started the diet, and then work/school/gym all in that order. I was tired, but decided to update my computer so that I could get online at school. I tired to wake up to go to the gym in the morning, but I couldn�t get up. Too tired� too much ish going on so I opted out of the morning gym session and decided to go later. Did some teacher observations, went to work for a bit and�

Today, I went to a Chinese herbalist. Weird? Yea, when your friends are Chinese you take the advice of them about those certain things. Anyway, I went today just to keep an open mind and get my chi in order. I don�t know WHAT to believe these days� or how to react to it but I�m willing to try anything at this point. I�ve heard a lot of good things about this so I�m giving it a try.

The doctor told me (after some weird pulse check on each hand) that I have a cold heart and kidney whatever that meant. Although the events of late have made my cold heart diagnosis seems very reasonable hehe� I was kind of taken a back by the whole coldness diagnosis because if anything, I�m never cold. I always feel warm. He says once that stuff gets in order� we can do other stuff.

Over and out�