[Ready]

I sat in the center of things, smiling about my accomplishments. As flash filled the room and I was surrounded by my accomplishments. As diva-ness filled the photo session and everyone patiently waited, one of my volunteers replied to me in Tagalog �I�m staying because of your smile� How could I say no to you when you�re working so hard? She said.

I didn�t know what it meant, but for my week over in hours month that I just had in my current career and simultaneously starting school for my future career just totally overwhelmed me this month. I worked so hard to improve the way things used to be but at the same time it�s hard to put in that work when I know that I�ll be leaving soon.

The countdown has started.  

All my favorite and not so favorite things about my job were in a big room today and acted like some kind of symbolic sum up of the last year and seven months. I felt good to have it all there in the same place right in front of my face. I feel like my soul was saying goodbye to this chapter in my life and hello to the brand new journey I�ve started on.

I know it sounds so symbolically corny, but it felt that way.

I was always apprehensive about my job from the get go. I started it abruptly and juggled it and my FilAm Arts internship for two months. It�s funny how now toward its end I�m juggling again, school and work. Work always being the one that isn�t as important as school is. Job always second choice, and as hard as I do work, it is never number one. It never has been� and I guess at this point it never will be.

Today I was ready to say good bye. No I�m going to stay to finish this or we should do this before I go. Today I felt like I did all I needed to do in my job. Accomplish all that I set for myself from the very beginning, and know that when they look back at my time spent there, they�ll remember how good it was.

Because I won�t =)

[we're going down...] It bothers me that the land where people I care about is in shambles. I've been all up on the internet news reading about the developments. It's sad that on the day that Filipinos were going to celebrate the 20th anniversary of People Power that they may potentially go back to the ways of Marcos. It saddens me to think that they just can't get it right. At the same time, the frustration with a self president who thinks she's doing a great job, but in reality she's putting the country to shambles. I worry about my family in The Philippines, just because I would not want them to live with such rules like that. Even though they're in the country side, who knows how corrupt they are there. I worry... because I'm afraid that something bad will happen and a lot of people will get hurt when they don't have to. As a Filipino American, it's easy to say that actions in The Philippines don't affect me, but in a some ways it does. There is just this feeling inside of me that makes me sad that all this is going on. I hope something just makes them get it right...

[We're coming up!]

Via Mama Gerlie

Pinoy�s on Martha Stewart

Weird, but cool!  

[...]

A bunch stuff I�m feelin� right now.

One of my favorite books is The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel (miss OG Okayplayer!) I really like her writing style and I can�t wait to cop her new book. I think the mixed race experience is a very interesting topic, and well I really love her writing style. I can�t wait to leisurely be able to read her book (which probably won�t be until the week before Easter, the week before Spring II starts).

The following movies are anxiously waiting to be watched by me =) I don�t watch a lot of movies, but usually the end up being of a ghetto fabulous type nature.
Dave Chappelle�s Block Party // A T L // Idlewild

I�ve really been feeling South Park lately. I don�t know if I mentioned this before, but one of my favorite episodes is on right now. Mecha-Streisand!!! I love how Robert Smith saves everyone!

Mama Gerlie talked about the album, so did some other people on their blogs, but yea I had to see it for myself. Sergio Mendes: Timeless. I love it! (even though like Mama said, the whole BEP thing kinda kills it)

I spent the weekend doing homework. It was boring, and I really wanted to go out, but alas� I have to time manage the hell out of my life, even if it means I have to be a big party pooper.

Angela and I went to work out. It was very productive. I�m still sore from my workout on Sunday, but Angela gets the brilliant idea to do the aerobic class Body Works Plus. Although I�ve lasted cycling and the class that kicked my butt the most was cardio kickboxing this class was crazy! We used dumbbells and aerobic moves to work out all muscles of our bodies. After a half an hour, we were done. I don�t know how sore I will be tomorrow, but I hope I can last through a class one of these days hehe�

Two words� Grey�s Anatomy

Although January is all about resolutions and usually I�m good about making them, I haven�t made any for this year. I haven�t had time to actually sit down and make resolutions. It�s been a tough month! I feel like my life (now that I�m starting a new chapter of it) deserves a new beginning. Staying healthy, working out more, eating right, saving up for a rainy day/seeing my family in the Philippines and making good use of my time. I feel like resolutions are not needed for life goals like these.

I guess that my resolution will be to further improve myself and be happy.

Oh and learn how to play my darn guitar! It will not collect dust for another year dammit!

Good night!

[Because I'm tired/rambling this may sound stupid]

My one problem that has been bothering me since school started was my work flow interference on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Since the traffic is horrendous to APU in the afternoon (why is the 210 so crazy like that?) I have to leave the office at 3:00PM or else I won�t make it to class. I finally figured out how to go to the computer lab and check email, but when I�m in class� that�s a problem. That�s like 4 hours without checking email and getting back to messages which is a big chunk of my work activities.  

In an attempt to try and make my life a little easier and solve this problem, I bought a blackberry on ebay. My one problem with my work/school is that constant quest to check email and respond back. I�d hate to have to lug my laptop around, so on a whim (even though it�s used and didn�t cost that much) I just got myself a RIM Blackberry 7100t. Time to get connected!

Although this will never replace my phone, I think I�ll use it on the weekdays. The plan is actually not bad for the email and text and internet with the phone service is pretty cheap. I pay that much anyway for my cell bill so I ain�t trippin�. Mainly I want it for the days I go to school. If there�s one thing the triad taught me was to get back to email with a quickness (and oddly enough I think I�m a little too email obsessed) In the end, it�s a PDA at the same time and although it doesn�t have MP3 ringtones and assigned ringers (I hate that because sound is the best way to screen calls) I think I�m just going to have to deal. It�s a mini treat for myself (even though again� it wasn�t much of a purchase and it is used) I was contemplating buying it new but I just renewed my contract in December so there�s no new phone coming my way at all any time soon. Although I know that it�s not a life or death situation that I check email, I thought it might make things a little easier for me. Why am I telling you guys this? Hehe.. I don�t know, but I just wanted to share.

------------------
When I�m in a certain area of Los Angeles, I have to use my Tagalog a little more (especially for work) I don�t mind, but it gets tough. While at a work function today/yesterday, one of the guys work worked at the place I was at was talking to me in Tagalog. Too FAST I might add. I get flustered with speed and end up using PO (which is usually used after a phrase or sentence for people WAY older then you or the most respect) and they get kind of offended. Anyway� this guy was really cute (the way he was acting not his looks, but he was okay). Tending to us and making sure we had everything we needed. When I was just about rapping up for work, he was off too. He kinda hung out and approached me in his street clothes and asked if we were coming back tomorrow. I replied with a no and he said oh and asked if we were coming back period and I told him that it was it. He asked me my name and he replied with his. It was funny because just to be polite I told him, �see you.� And he said yea, �see you.� He left and came back again, and said bye to me and kind of gave me a hug� LOL

Could I really be with someone who preferred to speak a different language then I�m used to? I mean I can hang with some mean ass Tag-lish, but if we�re talking TAGALOG 24/7 I don�t know. Prop me for knowing how to speak it, but advance skills may need more practice. Although I�m not planning marriages with this cat, I just thought about my relationship preferences and how I probably wouldn�t go out with a 1 or a 1.5er. Even though my cousin once told me that, �game in Tagalog is awesome.�

Haha�

------------------

I had a dream about him that just made so much psychological sense to me a couple nights ago. In the dream, him and I are just hanging out. We have a packed day of activities (just friends going out) and we get really tired. We�re staying somewhere and we have to share a bed. We decide to take a nap, and I take one end of the bed and he�s at another end. As I start to doze off, he tries to hold/spoon me. I�m weirded out by this just because this never happens and we�re just friends and nothing else. He keeps asking if he could hold me and hug me and eventually I give. In the dream we try to sleep, but he keeps adjusting and readjusting the way he wants to sleep and hold me. I keep changing according to what he wants but after the fifth switch I get fed up and tell him that he better make up his mind or else I�m going to sleep by myself. Before he could reply I wake up, and that�s that.

Whenever I dream about him, it seems so real, but that dream in particular seemed to sum up my relationship with him. It was a series of moves, which finally led me to being fed up and wanting to walk away. Like making up your mind with a sleep/holding position, I�ve always wanted him to make up his mind about us or about me.

But nowadays I don�t even think it�s an issue. As much as I�ve cared for him in the past, it�s such a bittersweet memory the two of us (as clich� as it sounds) Although it would have been nice to see� I don�t think we�ll ever going to happen.

Shockingly enough� I�m okay with that.

Overall in everything we do we want to know that we're appreciated. In my line of work, and my organization specifically... the thought of someone being on your side is extremely important. Without it, it'd be hard to even get past the first hour of the day. A co-worker friend, admin assistant, supervisor and boss. You all want to know that they've got your back... perfect performance or horrible fall. In any situation support is always key. It's sad when you don't get that support, and when you focus your attention on other things. Whether it's 200 or 2... we all should get equal gratitude for a job well done. High or low... fast or slow... whatever the result, the performance is just the same. You also want to know that you're apart of the same team, that everyone has your back. Especially your coach. You want to know that your coach has your back no matter how good or bad the record is. You want to know you're appreciated and you know that they'll stick up for you and not go complain to reporters about your poor performance. I'm lacking the support I need from my coach, but know that my team is behind me 100%. In the last few days I've realized how much bullshit I've been putting up with and how I'm glad that I have a way out. It's unfair to the team mates who won't be with me for my last game, at the same time... it's about time I got drafted to a team that will be behind me no matter what kind of game/day I'm having. Whether I'm fouling out or getting a triple double (of course I had to relate it to basketball) Rebuilding is always tough... but I don't know this time around I think if we all go (not just me) this team might be in the bottom half for a very long time.

[You Win Some... You Lose Some]

If there�s anything that I learned from my time at the Triad, is that for everyone who is satisfied with your work, there will be that many people who are upset with you for it. You may think that you�re doing a good job, but there will always be that one person who will think you could have performed a bit better.

I�ve learned not to take criticism too seriously, because I know that especially if you�re participating in an event that have more then one person watching you publicly you�ll never satisfy them all. Although part of me is a perfectionist and wants to execute everything with the perfect degree of accuracy as best as I can, I really can�t sweat the small stuff. I can�t afford to right now. Not with everything that is on my plate.

Especially right now in my field of work, I can�t expect everyone to be pleased with my actions because I have so many people trying to micromanage me. Sometimes I want to shout and say �Leave me alone! Can you do all this? Will you attempt to do all this? How do you expect me to work so hard and not burnout! Do you realize that I�m just one person?! Dammit� let me handle this� please trust that I can handle this! It�s best for all of us involved because then I can get everything that we need accomplished, accomplished. I�m really doing this for the greater good of all of us.�

PHEW I really needed that =)

Normally, I�d be upset, but I�m in no place to be upset. I just have to brush my shoulders off and just do it the way that I do. After venting to my supervisor she told me that, just do what you need to do. You�re leaving soon. It won�t matter anymore. I was very surprised to hear that from of all people� my supervisor.

Four months in counting, this job will just be a memory. I doubt that any of the people who stress importance to me now, will care about me when they don�t need me. This Saturday, I broke the news to one of my favorite people associated with the Triad. She said We�ll along as it is for advancement�and gave me a sad look. I�ve grown very attached to them and will be very sad to not be able to talk to them after I�m gone, but I know I will try, but yes� in a few months all I will be is Nicole the girl that used to work at the Triad.

And that�s all they will know or care about me from there.

-------------

on some other ish�

I can�t wait until Neyo�s album comes out. He�s really great. A fresh new look at Neo Soul and the whole R&B world. Jaheim this Tuesday too� yes!

Can I just say that Grey�s Anatomy is like one of the best shows out there right now?! Gosh� the show this week was intense. IF you have not started watching this show yet� these last two episodes will convince you to! It was one of those shows that I started watching because I was just home on Sunday�s but dude� it�s super good! I�m happy to be home to watch it.

Not sure if my movie day is going to happen anymore =( but hopefully it will. Hope Monday won�t kick my butt and that Tues/Wed will be good R&R For sure!

  

On some non related school ish (sorta). I'm going to have two days in a row off finally next week. The perfect opportunity to veg out, I'm actually over a week in hours and this week hasn't even started yet. I'm working hard... not hardly working. It's difficult but I'm managing. My classmates are telling me about their subbing duties. Although it does sound tempting, I don't want such an unsteady flow of money. That would suck. I'm planning on a movie day for myself my two days off. I really wanna watch Crash (because I'm probably the last person on the planet that hasn't seen it) and Hustle and Flow (yes I know you all are shocked that I have not seen that one) Also get some R&R start going to the gym regularly again and just find some kind of routine to this hectic lifestyle I've gotten myself into. I'm handling it! =) T.I. was on big boy in the morning today. He's so freakin awesome. I love that guy. My last article for myhiphopspace.com was about T.I. and his mixtape The Leak. That guy brings a different style to the rap game, and although I don't claim to be an expert or anything, I love him for the different spin he brings to my favorite genre of music. I'm usually not into that South stuff, but I'm totally feelin him. Tran saw him at Summer Jam for The Beat and she said he got no love whatsoever. Those radio concert kids don't know anything sometimes =) I feel good. It feels good to have a light at the end of the tunnel right now. Before I thought I'd be stuck at the Triad with no place to go, but now things seem like they're going the way it was planned. A year late, but still the way it was planned. Damn... This post has been sitting here since the morning... more later =)

[Take Two]

The second day of school went a little smoother.

Note, before I go on I have to say. I�m one of those snooty students. I have a very proper snooty style of school going. I have pens in all colors, pencils and even lending pens if ever anyone asked me for a pen because gosh forbid that I give you one of mine. I like paying attention (especially now when it�s cool stuff to learn about like right now) keeping that in mind, while in class�

The classes that I�m taking are helping people complete the new credentials requirements in California. This irate lady who was mad at the world because she had one more class to take was just taking her know it all attitude too far (and remember, I�m a snooty student so I like positive energy around me, especially when I�m trying to learn) She was mad that she had to take this class and hoping that we�d get out at 8 and that they�d just hand her the credentials on a silver platter. Not trying to happen� so just deal with it you know? Aside from her irritating me the whole time, I actually had a good time in class.

My Thursday class consists of the same people mostly from my Tuesday class. So everyone was happy that the same faces were there (aside from two or three people) I think people were a bit friendlier this time. But me� being the snooty student, friendly but not wanting to be bothered while school is in session. Not because I don�t want to meet new people but just cause with my last bit of energy from the day I need to concentrate on school hehe =)

The word I was fearing the most during this whole time entering the graduate school world, group project. I�d make a horrible group project person because my time schedule sucks, but the Thursday class is cool because she makes us learn all the material, but gives us� short cuts here and there but the gist of the personal information.

Tired, but glad that class got out at 8:30, I had to walk my way to the car. Made small talk on the way over to my car and finally hopped in and headed home.

Although it�s going to be tough, schools not looking too bad, I�m in a learning environment again and I�m loving it.

I�m happy =)

[Back to school night!]

Today didn�t start out very well. I woke up before the alarm (which I always hate happening) I pulled myself together and got over to the office. They say that teachers need the ultimate dose in patience and sometimes I feel that when the stars make my team up with a certain co-worker they give me that ultimate test. And dude� the job before this was the ultimate test too. Little kids and difficult co-workers� man I�m set. .................. After the press conference (and the urge of me and the IT guy to not eat at the enemy) I headed off to the office and tired to finish up some work. Frustrated at the system and ego hurt because my charm hasn�t worked on some upside down V�s I made an executive decision to just accept things as they are and focus on other stuff and just get this thing over with. I needed to leave the office by 3ish to get to school in enough time to get a permit and get to my class. Traffic was horrendous (like David told me it would be) and I barely had time to park my car on the street and run to my class. I made it before most (not running on Filipino time) and got ready to learn. First day of school! I was nervous on the walk up to class. When I arrived it was like the first day of school my freshman year of undergrad all over again. I pulled out my new notebook and new purple pen and just sat and wait for class to start. The minute the class started I was in the zone. Finally for the first time in maybe the last three weeks, my mind was completely turned off to work functions. Not thinking about email, not wanting to return calls, not wondering about what I needed to get done at the office. I found the ultimate turn off switch from work� school. My Professor is pretty cool. You can tell he really enjoys education. He�s very funny in a corny way and his insights are very interesting. Time went by really fast, although I have to admit that towards 8:30 I was crashing (but I had a long day because of the press conference and the commute) I think that if I leave by 3:00PM I should be okay next time (especially if I was just chillin� in the office beforehand), other then that I�m hoping that my other Professor for Thursday is just as cool as him. One thing that bothers me a little bit about my new university is that it�s a Christian institution. I have to actually do a paper about incorporating faith into my teaching methods. It�s going to be interesting I�m sure =) The funny thing is that I was concerned about my time being divided between work and school, but I know that my focus is definitely on school, at the same time I know the school schedule will get hectic, but at least for this class� I know that I�ll at least enjoy going despite the effort. Let�s see how Thursday goes =)

what happened to my BLOG?!

[Workin' Day and Night]

I�ve been working a whole lotta hours lately. Not phased by it at all, but it�s just been tough. I can�t imagine keeping these hours when I start school, but I think part of me feels like I have a lot of stuff to prove to everyone. I want to make sure that I don�t look like that I�m phased by anything, and at the same time keep the work quality up the way I want it to be. Dammit� that�s just me. I can�t help it. The first month of the year has been a good one though. Although it�s year of the dog and in typical American outlook of the lunar new year, I am year of the Chicken (because the lunar new year is after my birthday) debate me if you want, but I�m right =) Year of the Dog beware though� it�s going to be a tough year for you guys. Just don�t sweat the chi and keep it gully� nah mean? ;) Lots of stuff has happened since I last wrote. The plans for school have been finalized and I will begin my masters degree/credential program next week. Excited? Yes� worried? Absolutely! I don�t know but the work load again at work has been heavy because of my new focus patient. I think now that I�m leaving� I want to start talking about my job a bit more. As much crap as I talk about my job (my personal qualms about it) I really do work for a worthy cause. As 8 hour days turn into 12 hour days� it�s tough. Please believe that like I said above� I will not be phased by it. Never let them see you sweat. =) But in the end, I hope to spread the word about said cause so that well� I guess so someone can apply for my job HAHA! In the meantime, today is my first day off in a while. I�m resisting the urge to check voicemail and all that madness. I really need a break from everything, and hope to get all my errands done today. Poor Roy (my beloved CR-V) needs a car wash, and I gotta go get mail and do bank stuff. You know the deal. Anyhow, two notable things have happened since we last left this journal place. Went to Santa Barbara for probably my last outing out to the upside down V drives. I really do feel appreciated and loved over there. Those are truly a good set of boys. I love how they�ve just changed into a stronger house since we first arrived. I feel like me and Michi played a small roll in that. They respond really well to us, and they work so hard these days. *tear* Hehe� special case in SB, the upside down V�s are Filipino and those boys especially do the damn thang! Good luck with rush guys! Show them how we do! I really feel that it�s my interactions with the upside down V�s really made me realize why I want to be in the education field. Although I�m just teaching about the philanthropy, it goes beyond that. Yes, we keep it fun� yes we keep it gully, but we do what we need to do and that�s awesome. I don�t love all of them the way that I love some of them, but I do thank them for making me realize how good I may be at this education thing. Chinese New Year came and had Chinese New Year EVE dinner with Ading Franny. I love how I�m so apart of the family during the holidays. You only get that with a great little sister like her. And well I ran out of things to say� so I�m just going to stop here. Viva la Day Off!!!